


A Malignant Presence

by anomalation



Category: Succession (TV 2018)
Genre: Apologies, Gen, Holidays, Middle Class AU, Past Drug Addiction, Protective Siblings, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, making amends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25111468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anomalation/pseuds/anomalation
Summary: Okay but what if they weren’t rich, they were just a middle class family in a Connecticut suburb and Logan’s health failed faster, Kendall didn’t get the chance to be a drug addict fuck up into his forties, and their money couldn’t insulate them from each other. Just some normal siblings Realizing things and dealing with their toxic parent.A year in holidays for the Roy siblings.
Relationships: Background Roman "Romulus" Roy/Tabitha, Kendall Roy & Connor Roy, Kendall Roy & Roman "Romulus" Roy, Kendall Roy & Siobhan "Shiv" Roy, Kendall Roy/Rava Roy, Siobhan "Shiv" Roy/Tom Wambsgans, Willa Ferreyra/Connor Roy
Comments: 12
Kudos: 57





	A Malignant Presence

**Author's Note:**

> Just your straightforward middle class AU (which makes me laugh every time I type it). Imagine their actions had consequences and they learned from that. Imagine they read just one Captain Awkward post about abusive parents.

Kendall spent Christmas Eve with Rava’s family now. No more tense dinners at Dad’s out of Boston Market containers. No more Dad at all, actually, after Kendall’s last - third - stint in rehab. Last as in most recent, but also as in maybe the last ever, because it had been ten years now and Kendall felt fine. More good days than bad. It was kind of crazy, he thought, how he didn’t have a problem with relapsing once he stopped talking to Dad. But Rava didn’t think it was crazy at all, Rava thought it was all one thing. And Kendall had to admit, Rava was usually right.

Not right like his dad, screaming it right in your face, but quietly and patiently right. Or sometimes, firmly, when she had to be. When Kendall had been in the middle of his worst shit, she didn’t back off. She looked him dead in the eyes and told him he had to get his shit together. Last chance. She spent what was supposed to be the kids’ college funds on an inpatient place for him, and Kendall spent six weeks there. Drying out, sobering up, fucking crying his eyes out in the therapy sessions. It all clicked. And when Kendall came back, the first thing he did was take his wife in his arms and hold her and tell her how right she’d been.

Totally right, for the record. She’d called it two fucking decades ago, the first time he brought her back to meet everybody. The first night, they’d argued over Shakespeare or something. All of them, every Roy for themselves. Just like how Dad wanted. But Rava didn’t take the bait, whatever play Dad had demanded everybody fight to the death over. She watched, and then after they’d went back home to her apartment, she’d finally told him what she thought. _Honestly? I think he’s mean_.

That’s exactly what Dad was. But now, Kendall also found him really fucking small. Logan Roy was a tyrant over his column in the local paper, reigning supreme over those six inches. He was retired, so all he had left was that column. No more students to hang onto his every word. Just his kids. And he’d never been as good of a father as he’d been a teacher. Probably, Kendall thought, because nobody paid him to be a dad. There was no incentive.

There were a couple moments where Kendall really understood how much he was fucked up, spread out over a couple years. The first holiday with Rava’s family was a fucking revelation. Dad was furious about it, but they’d spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas with him for 5 years, so Kendall put his foot down and spent a Thanksgiving away from Dad.

For all the build up, once he got there it was fine. There was no weird tension, no conversation starters with only wrong answers, no homework for next time. Rava’s dad was a quiet man who was a CPA, which was similar enough to Kendall’s work as a financial analyst that they had some things to talk about. It was fine. He lay awake thinking about it that night, and he relapsed a couple weeks after that, for the last time.

And then there was the day in therapy where he realized his dad did shit nobody else did. That had been a central sort of fallacy, holding everything else up, that Dad was not that bad. It took an offhand joke about something his dad did, he didn’t even remember what he’d mentioned. Kendall had been trying to keep things light, given that he was just past 30 days sober. But his therapist had looked shaken, and so Kendall had gone to explain what he meant, which really wasn’t even top fifty of the shit Dad did to them, except it made Dr. Allen itch his nose and then adjust his glasses. A tell. Kendall always made note of people’s tells. For Dr. Allen, that was equivalent to fucking panic attack.

Then there was Stewy. He was in the city during the week, but he’d make time for Kendall on the weekend. Whenever Kendall asked, basically, but Kendall was bad at asking. They went a year without talking, around the time Kendall went to rehab. It was hard to pick up the phone. But when he managed it, Stewy showed up looking the same as always, put together and crisp and blandly cheerful. He sat out on the deck with Kendall and drank coffee and pretended nothing was wrong until Kendall said, “I think I’m going to stop talking to my dad.”

Stewy had pulled a deep breath in through his nose, let it out and nodded slowly. Kendall braced himself for the judgement. “Fucking finally, dude,” Stewy said. “That guy’s a fucking narcissist.” 

“Yeah?” Kendall managed to say. His chest felt so full it might burst.

“Yeah.” There was no doubt in Stewy’s tone. There were other things that Kendall wasn’t ready to hear, but no doubt whatsoever. “I’m all for it, man.”

This is what it felt like, Kendall remembered thinking. To breathe.

He’d cut Dad off the next day. It felt dramatic, putting it that way when all it consisted of was blocking his number and cancelling his subscription to the paper. Dad didn’t even notice for months. But that was the day.

Nothing big changed, but a lot of little things did. Kendall’s marriage improved, without the pressure of Logan Roy hanging over them. The kids were happier. Kendall thought he was imagining it, confirmation bias, until this most recent Christmas Eve. Kendall was ten years sober and more than nine away from Dad, and things were so okay the whole night he almost forgot what he was missing. “You know they notice, right?” Rava said in the car on the way home.

“What?”

“You’re happier,” Rava said. “The kids. They notice. They have a dad now.”

And Kendall smiled a little, looking at the road, and nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Good.”

Shiv called around midnight, after the kids were in bed. “Hey,” she said when he picked up. “How was it over at Norman Rockwell’s picture-perfect Christmas Eve?”

“Fine,” he said. There was still that pause in their conversations where he didn’t say what they were both waiting for. _How’s Dad?_ That question used to rule their lives. “How about you?” he asked instead.

“Well. You know,” Shiv answered. Which meant it had been a bad one.

“I’m sure we can get mashed potatoes out of cashmere,” Tom said, his cheer more out of place than usual.

“You’re on speaker phone, by the way,” Shiv added dryly.

“Great,” Kendall said with half a smile, but now his interest was piqued. “Connor okay?” he asked after another short, painful silence.

“He’s fine. You know Con, he never puts himself in the middle of things.”

He had to force himself to ask. “Roman, then?”

“Yup.” Shiv’s tone was light. Only her brothers would be able to tell she was close to tears. “Made some crack about the paper,” she added. “Dad was…”

“Incensed, perhaps?” Tom suggested politely in the silence. 

Shiv laughed, but also cleared her throat. “That’s definitely… a word for it.”

Kendall could hear how scared she was trying not to be, and he felt the echo of it but it wasn’t anything real like it used to be. So deadened, with all the time since the last time he saw Dad. “Okay. But Rome’s still coming tomorrow, right?”

“He didn’t say he wasn’t, so.”

“Okay. Well…” Kendall was beginning to make an excuse to get off the phone.

“We’ve gotta get him out of there,” Shiv interrupted.

Kendall frowned. “Who, Roman?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? It’s not like he’s being held hostage.”

Shiv scoffed at him. “Wow. So empathetic. All that therapy really paying off.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you! Dad’s got his hooks into him.”

“Hooks,” Tom repeated emphatically. “Yes. Roman’s a prize tuna, and your father’s reeled him right in.”

“Tom,” Shiv said flatly, and got a quiet apology. “Ken, I’m serious.”

Okay. Serious. Kendall recalibrated. He was taking her seriously. Roman lived with Dad, always had. Dad had had a few seizures since they stopped talking. He needed someone around in case he fell, or passed out. And Roman was allergic to having an actual job. That was kind of the party line. Kendall didn’t exactly know how to move past that.

Rava came in from putting the kids to bed with a little smile at him, and Kendall had a great idea. “Hey, Rav, c’mere,” he said, and she rerouted from her way to the bathroom to sit next to him in bed. “It’s Shiv and Tom.” He put his phone on speaker as well.

“Hi Shiv and Tom,” Rava said, with a look that meant he needed to explain.

“Hello Rava,” Tom said brightly. “How was your Christmas Eve?”

“Fine. Yours?”

“It was… dynamic,” Tom answered.

Rava nodded, mouth drawn up small, and Kendall looked at her. “Shiv thinks…” he began.

“I think we need to help Roman move out,” Shiv said loudly. “Okay? What, is that a problem?”

“No,” Rava said. “I think you’re right.”

Kendall raised his eyebrows at her. “Excuse me?”

“I think she’s right,” Rava said. “How old is he?”

“Thirty-one,” Shiv said.

“And he’s been living with your dad his whole life? Yeah, I think he should move out.”

Kendall shook his head. “Dad needs, he needs a caretaker. His seizures-”

“Hire one,” Rava said.

“With what money?”

“I don’t know, Ken. But you can figure it out. You guys aren’t his servants. You get to have your own lives.”

There was a silence where Ken knew he and Shiv were having the same thought. Dad definitely wouldn’t agree with that statement. “We’ll talk tomorrow,” Kendall said.

“Wait, though, so you’ll back me on this?” Shiv asked.

That was vulnerable, for her. Dad raised them like fucking gladiators, they never talked like that. She must really be worried, he thought, and then he remembered how Dad always got to them best - through each other. “Yeah, I’m with you,” Kendall said after clearing his throat. “We’ll get Con to find his balls. We’ll talk.”

“Okay. Don’t fucking dip out on me, Ken, I’m serious.”

“I know. I am too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.” Shiv hung up in the middle of Tom saying goodbye too.

Kendall put his phone down on the bed and looked at Rava. “Rome didn’t go to college,” he said. That was just something he was thinking, as he started problem solving this.

“People go to college in their 30s all the time,” Rava said.

There was the instinct still baked into him, to say that the Roys weren’t just people. But Kendall wasn’t buying that shit anymore, he knew better than that. “Sure,” he said. “But I guess I mean… I don’t know what the fuck he’ll do, if he’s not with Dad.”

Rava shrugged at him, not like she didn’t care but more like she knew she couldn’t answer that for him. “That’s the question, isn’t it,” she said. “The big one.”

It really was.

They got to Connor’s early the next morning - officially, Roy Sibling Christmas Morning started at 10, but Shiv and Kendall had texted and agreed to get there at 9, to talk to Connor. It was only after they got there that it occurred to them they should’ve told Connor they were coming at 9, too. He smiled when he saw them, and told the kids they could go watch Rudolph on the big TV, and then they just stood there, in the kitchen.

“Is everything okay?” Willa asked. It was always the partners who asked, Kendall noticed. Connor would probably just watch, and worry, and never say anything. That was sort of his speciality.

“Yeah,” Kendall said.

“Not really,” Shiv answered, her tone pointed.

Oh, so they were getting real here, in the kitchen? Kendall looked over his shoulder to make sure the kids were safely in the other room, not listening, and then he glanced at Rava too. She was staying here for this? Tom and Willa were staying here for this? Part of him would always hear Dad telling him to keep shit in the family.

“Is this about last night?” Connor asked, already clearly uncomfortable.

“Kind of,” Shiv said. “Yeah. We’ve got to get Rome out of there.”

Connor held up his hands. “Look,” he said. “I’m an observer.” His usual line.

“That’s not good enough,” Shiv said, leaning on the kitchen island. “Dad’s getting worse, you saw it.”

“Worse how?” Kendall asked. She hadn’t mentioned that angle.

Shiv gave him a look. Connor all of a sudden couldn’t look at anybody. So that was an answer right there. But Tom spoke up. “He seemed more irritable than I’ve experienced in the past,” he said. “A touch out of sorts.”

“He was out of control,” Shiv said, and Willa nodded a little, from next to Connor, looking at the floor. Shiv made eye contact with Kendall. “He threw his plate at Roman.”

“Excuse me?” Kendall said, and from how Connor and Rava looked at him he knew he’d gotten loud but fuck it. “He did what?”

Connor jumped in to play peacemaker, as fucking always. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Oh. Sure.”

“Ken,” Rava said.

“It wasn’t really _at_ him,” Connor said. “It was just sort of near him.”

Shiv threw her hands up and looked at Tom, who made a face that could’ve been backing her up or disagreeing with her. But Tom just also had that sort of face. “Please, yes,” Shiv said. “Let’s parse fucking prepositions right now. That’s what we need to be doing.”

“Did it hit him?” Kendall asked.

“No,” Connor scoffed.

“I think a turkey leg did,” Willa said, and then exchanged expressions with Connor. He wished she hadn’t said that, clearly, but Willa wasn’t sorry.

Kendall looked at Shiv, and Shiv had the kind of expression that knew what Dad did at the table wasn’t really the thing they had to be worried about. So that was why she wanted him out. “Con, we need you with us on this,” Shiv said. “Roman listens to you.”

“Please,” Connor scoffed. “Dad’s only mad because Kenny won’t put on his big boy pants and show up to eat some turkey once a year.”

“I’m pretty sure,” Kendall said and paused, anger making him incoherent. “I’m pretty fucking sure that Dad would still be a nightmare to live alone with whether or not I’m talking to him once a year.” Rava put her hand on his shoulder, and Kendall tried to breathe easier. “Y’know, you don’t have to talk to him either, if you don’t want to feel like fucking shit all the time.”

That wasn’t anything Connor wanted to hear, of course, but Shiv looked like she was actually considering it. And that was fucking new. “You’re telling me you don’t feel like shit all the time?” she said to Kendall, half a smile on his face. “Maybe I need a new therapist.”

“Less,” Kendall said, a bit of a smile on his face too. “It’s relative.”

“A lot less,” Rava said, firmly. “The best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.”

“Besides getting sober, I’d imagine,” Shiv said, to Tom’s delight. And Kendall did find it funny. He laughed, and Willa rolled her eyes and everybody smiled, at least. It wasn’t the way arguments usually ended when Dad was around. Part of the reason they’d started doing siblings only things.

Roman showed up a little after ten. Kendall almost didn’t notice the front door opening and closing over the sound of the the Charlie Brown special; at first he assumed it was Connor checking his mail or something. It took Roman flopping down on the giant couch, between Shiv and Rava, for it to register that he was here. That was weird. Roman was never quiet.

“Hey,” Shiv said in surprise. “When did you get here?”

“Now.” Roman spread his arms out along the back of the couch cushions. “Hey Ken. Hey kids. Merry Christmas.”

“Hi, Roman,” Rava said, not exactly cheerful but definitely with an edge.

“Hey,” Roman said in a tone that was probably supposed to sound like joking in some way, but mostly just ended up awkward. “Have a good time last night?”

“Yes,” Rava frowned, waiting for the joke.

But there wasn’t a joke. Roman gave her one of his brief, fake smiles and then put his arm around Shiv’s shoulders. He was pretending to just be stretching, but then he just kind of stayed there until Shiv gave him a look and sort of wrestled his arm off her and pulled him closer with his neck in the crook of her elbow. And then he stayed there, pinned against Shiv’s side in silence.

That was even weirder. Kendall kept looking over at him and finding nothing to give him a clue, just Roman chewing on his nails, his arm over Shiv’s, keeping it where it was. They’d always been the closest. Kendall had been so fucking jealous as a kid, because Connor wouldn’t team up with him against them. It had been two on one more often than not. The moments he remembered being happiest were when it was the three of them versus someone else. Dad or Connor or a teacher or something. When they weren’t tearing each other apart they were fucking bulletproof.

Roman got up after a while, and Kendall followed. Connor and Willa were in the kitchen, bickering about the right way to make sweet potatoes. Kendall tuned them out. He watched Roman fill a mug half and half with coffee and Bailey’s, and saw Connor glancing over at that too.

“What,” Roman said after a second, towards Kendall. “Here for me to seduce you off the wagon? Is that what’s happening? ‘Cause I could do that for you, easy.”

“No,” Kendall said with a smile he wanted to mean. “No, uh. I’m still firmly… pro-wagon.”

“Figures,” Roman said, and had a long sip. “Con, you have any Jameson?”

“Cabinet,” Connor pointed, and Roman added a healthy amount of that too.

“So, how are you?” Kendall asked.

“I’m… fine,” Roman answered, the obvious lie kind of tone that nobody ever asked him about. Kendall thought maybe he was supposed to ask. Maybe he’d always been supposed to. “Do I not seem fine? I’m great.”

“You don’t seem either,” Kendall said, and Roman made some kind of gesture it was hard to interpret. A sort of shrug with just one hand. Maybe he didn’t want to talk about it after all. “Are you really okay?” Kendall asked, because he didn’t know what else to say.

Roman turned to look at him, hunched over. He liked to hunch and sag and lean, and all of a sudden Kendall connected some dots. In the moment, the way Roman was looking at him, it seemed clear that Roman was always trying to protect himself. From plates, or whatever.

“What’s this?” Roman asked. “Leveled up in therapy or something?”

“Yeah. Humor me.”

“I’m fucking… awesome, bro,” Roman said, full sarcasm mode. “Fuck you.”

“Heard last night was kind of intense,” Kendall said.

Roman made a face into his cup. “Whatever,” he said. “Who narced?”

Out of convenience, Kendall lied. “Tom.”

“You don’t talk to Tom. Do you even have his number?”

Kendall frowned. “Yeah,” he said. “Of course I do.”

“You totally don’t. Call him right now, prove it.”

“Rome,” Kendall said, ignoring the other shit. He took a step closer. “You know you could move out, right? If you want to.”

Roman snorted, and had a long drink from his mug. “Sure,” he said. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

“Does it sound like I’m fucking joking?”

Connor and Willa were watching them now, their argument on hold. Or Willa was, and Connor was looking at nothing in particular.

“Considering that I haven’t heard you tell a joke in your entire life, I’d say no,” Roman answered and then he glanced at Kendall sideways. If he thought he could do it, Kendall would’ve tried to look as serious as he was. But Roman just saw whatever he saw. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, patting Kendall on the shoulder as he walked by him.

“Oh, sure,” Kendall said. “Easy.”

“As easy as cutting off Dad, right?” Roman said, and left before Kendall figured out if that meant Roman thought it was actually hard or not.

They got back together for New Year’s; Shiv and Tom always threw a rager. The past couple years Stewy had come with whatever girl he was dating at the moment. Shiv and Tom invited their friends from work, Willa and Connor brought the community theater people. It was a decent sized crowd. Most importantly, their dad always stayed home, and Roman usually stayed the night at Shiv’s. Given the conversation at Christmas, that seemed like a good thing.

By eleven, Kendall was the only sober person in the house. Everyone seemed to be having a great time, but then again that barely meant anything given the amount of liquor in the house. Actors and political sleaze balls mingling with engineers, everyone high off the chance to be somebody novel in front of strangers.

Kendall watched. He drank sparkling water, and had a few pleasant conversations, and kept an eye on his family. They seemed to be okay too. Tom had pulled Shiv aside no less than three times to detail the explicit things he wanted to do to her, apparently unaware how loud his voice was. Connor was shit-faced, telling Willa how much he loved her very solemnly in the middle of the room until she made him stop. And Roman was - Kendall scanned the room a couple times, and couldn’t find him. Roman had been just over there by the window, talking to one of Willa’s friends, and now he’d disappeared.

In a very casual way, Kendall went looking for Roman. It took some looking. He did a round of the whole house real quick, and didn’t see him so he started back in the kitchen. Willa was telling Connor about how much she wanted to have a kid one day - something which Kendall thought would probably be a surprise to sober her. Shiv and Tom were holding court in the living room now, charming everyone around them. And then Kendall realized he hadn’t checked outside yet. They had a pretty decent sized back yard, all fenced in. A pool, which had been a major selling point. God, it’d be just like Roman to be in the pool.

Kendall pulled open the sliding door and ducked around the curtains. Outside was quieter, because the neighbors would probably complain, and also emptier. There were a few people out here. Roman was one of them, draped upside-down on one of the deck chairs, feet up high. “Hey,” Kendall said.

“Look who it is,” Roman said. “Mister boring fucking boredom.”

“Okay.” Kendall sat on the other chair next to him, the right way. “Very funny.”

“Mister fucking…” Roman began, and trailed off.

Kendall waited, patiently. “Are you done?” he said.

“Guess so.”

“You just usually have like, a lot more ready to go.”

“Well, I’m not on my game. Excuse the shit out of me. Sorry the jester isn’t ready to fucking… jump around with the little jingle bells on his dick or whatever.”

Kendall nodded. “Okay, that’s a fair point.”

“Is it? Is it _fair_ to you.” Roman mumbled. “Because God knows all I want, all _I’m_ looking for is to be _fair_.”

That didn’t make a ton of sense. “Fuck you,” Kendall said, but he didn’t leave. He thought strangely of Iverson, of the times when he’d be in the middle of a meltdown and the way Rava taught him to just sit with him and wait. It was worth a try. They hadn’t been very patient with Roman, growing up. He had a real fucking gift at getting them to snap at him.

Shit. Fuck. Of course Roman needed to be waited out. Obviously, his thing was deflection. It was a fucking embarrassment that it took decades, until right this moment, for Kendall to put it together, for the dots to fucking click that his brother should be treated like he’d treat his kids. Like a person. Not like Dad taught them. Jesus Christ, they were so broken.

“You wish. Where’s Rava?” Roman asked after a long silence.

“Home with the kids. She’s kind of exhausted, so. I’m flying solo.”

“Right,” Roman said.

“What? Is there something wrong with…”

“No,” Roman added in a very dramatic kind of tone, his voice going so high. “No, it’s just… crazy to hear you say this fucking… June Cleaver bullshit.”

“Oh,” Kendall said. “So it’s bullshit for me to listen to my wife? And what she wants?”

Roman just shrugged, spilling his glass, and then sat up with a groan to finish what was left. “Shut up,” he said. 

“Shut up?” Kendall repeated. “Great fucking comeback.”

“Yeah, sorry my comebacks aren’t up to fucking par.”

“Oh, so we’re back to that again.”

He knew what Roman was supposed to say - he was supposed to say _yes we’re fucking back to that again, asshole_. And then Kendall would say he didn’t know why that was such a big deal, so Roman could snap at him over it and actually explain himself. That was kind of the deal, for the three of them. They all operated that way. Plausible deniability, irritation shielding honesty.

But Roman didn’t say anything. He shut his mouth, chewed on his lip and there was a sense of waiting. Anticipation. Kendall knew the feeling - it was the first thing he thought of when he thought of Dad.

Kendall turned at the sound of the sliding door opening again. “Hey,” he said when he saw Stewy. “Where’s the girlfriend?”

“Passed out,” Stewy said with a shrug. “I think. Shiv said if I smoke inside she’ll cut my balls off, so.”

“Yeah, beware,” Roman said. “She’s done it once before. You’ve seen the great Midwestern cuck next to her - let him be a warning.”

Stewy ignored Roman, much like he always did, and sat next to Kendall, on the foot of hisdeck chair. He pulled out a joint then, and relit the end of it. “HOAs are no fucking joke, man,” he said. “They’re the SEC of neighborhoods. Fucking buzzkills.”

“Y’know, say whatever you want, but you’re still closer to the average homeless dude under a highway than fucking Bezos, alright,” Roman said with disdain. “Calm down.”

“Remind me what you do?” Stewy asked him. “Change your dad’s diapers?”

“C’mon, man,” Kendall said.

Roman wiggled to sit more upright. “Oh yeah,” he said. “You heard? Ken’s my fucking guardian angel now.” He put on a baby voice. “He wants to take care of me. He’s a philanthropist.” The word sounded ridiculous in the voice.

“Oh, so I’m the fucking asshole,” Kendall said.

“Well,” Stewy said to Kendall. “If the shoe fits.”

He was getting ganged up on, and he had no fucking idea why. Kendall looked back at Roman and found his eyes already on him, evaluating. “Y’know, he used to lock me in a cage,” Roman announced then.

“What the fuck?” Kendall said. It took a second, for the memories to percolate. His hands felt cold.

“No, that’s a true story,” Roman said. “What, you’re pretending that you don’t remember the dog pound?” Kendall remembered, yeah. Now that Roman said it. He was remembering as Roman talked. “I had to go climb in this big dog cage in the kitchen and wait for someone to come collect me.

“Oh, yeah?” Stewy only seemed vaguely interested, but Roman didn’t need much encouragement to keep going.

“Might be three minutes, might be the whole afternoon. Four years old. I was eating dog food out of a cold tin bowl.”

Hearing this was… it was weird, and fucked up, but there was the kind of feeling of recognition, a lock clicking home, that Kendall had come to associate with getting memories he’d repressed back. Fuck. He had done that. And as he thought about it, he remembered Dad’s hand on his shoulder, looking at Roman on the floor. _You punish the weak one_ , Dad said. Cold guilt curled up in Kendall’s stomach. Fuck.

“What, Ken,” Roman said, his voice sharp. “Silent treatment now? You just want me to pretend that none of that happened?”

Took a second to find his voice. “It was a laundry basket.”

Stewy looked at Kendall, eyes wide. “Jesus. Okay. This is like, the opposite of chilling the fuck out, and also not super… _my_ business? I feel like? So. I’m gonna go. Enjoy this weird romp down… psychosexual memory lane.”

Roman was looking straight at the sky, didn’t move while Stewy got up and went around the side of the house towards the front yard. He held his empty glass against his chest, and lay flat on his back in the seat, sitting semi-properly for once. “A laundry basket,” he repeated speculatively.

“Yeah. I put Dad’s big cast iron pot on top of it. To keep it… you were four,” he said irritably at Roman’s expression. “It’s not like it needed to be fucking Fort Knox, to keep you in.”

“Right,” Roman said. “Oh right. I’m so glad you didn’t try too hard, when you were eight and putting me in a fucking cage. There was a bowl that was filled with chow, and I couldn't leave the cage until I finished it. You remember that?”

“It was a game,” Kendall said stiffly. “You… I thought you enjoyed it.”

“Oh, right. I enjoyed being in a cage with a leash around my neck?”

Was there a leash? Kendall couldn’t remember. It didn’t really change anything, though. There was this tangible sense of two paths diverging here. Dad’s way, which would probably include denying everything and blaming Roman for bringing it up. He could do that, easy. Or this new way Kendall was trying to be post-Dad, post-therapy, which involved more listening and patience and fucking… putting himself out there.

Roman wasn’t even looking at him, he was examining his nails. He’d lived with only Dad for like what, thirteen years at this point? He had to be scared of this shit too, of silences, but he was waiting. Giving Kendall a chance.

Kendall had blown so many chances before.

“You’re right,” he said. “That was fucked up.”

He’d never seen his brother more surprised, and even now he only saw it for a second. Roman’s face flipped through several expressions fast, too fast to catch. He blinked a lot, and looked at Kendall and then away and then back at him, and he settled on something on close to disbelief. “Uh, okay. Relax, loser.”

“I mean it,” Kendall said, looking right at him. “You’re right, I didn’t remember, but.”

“You… didn’t remember,” Roman repeated.

“No. I… maybe I should’ve.”

“Fucking yeah, you should’ve, it was the beginning of so much shit,” Roman said. Pushing the advantage like Dad taught them, but there was something sheepish in his face. Some kind of way they never let themselves linger in too long. “I mean… you trapped me in there, I went weird, started wetting the bed, and Dad…” Roman huffed out a breath. “I mean he never liked me, but.”

Kendall didn’t remember anything about Roman bedwetting, but on a gut level that chain of events didn’t feel right. It also wasn’t the point. “You think it’s my fault?” he said, reading between the lines.

“I don’t think it’s not your fault.”

They sat there in the silence after that for a while. Until Roman got uncomfortable with it. “Shit, dude, don’t go blow your brains out or something. Not a big deal. I’m joking.”

Kendall choked on whatever he meant to say in response. The thing he didn’t know how to say, actually, that it was a big deal and he didn’t need Roman to be joking. That got stuck in his throat when he tried to say it. So he didn’t say anything. He got up to find Stewy, who was reliably always willing to forget something Kendall didn’t want to talk about.

He saw Roman one last time before Kendall left around two, passed out on the couch once everyone left. Looking smaller than ever. Shiv was eating what remained of the guacamole in the kitchen. “Hey,” she said when she saw him. “Would you take Con home? The Uber’s like a hundred and fifty bucks. Surge price.”

“If you get him in the car,” Kendall said, and Shiv grinned.

“Done.” Her eyes were hazy; she was still tipsy, at least. “You have a good time?”

“Yeah,” Kendall lied, because he loved her. “Great time.”

“Yeah?” she said, narrowing her eyes at him. “I didn’t see you for a while.”

Kendall found himself smiling, almost. Shiv had always been the bullshit detector of the family. Maybe just the one with any emotions, really. Less fucked up. Dad had ignored her most of the time. “Yeah,” Kendall said. “Rome and I were out back. Remember the dog pound?”

Shiv frowned, and scraped around the edge of the guac bowl with a chip. “That fucked up game Dad made you play?”

“Yeah,” Kendall said, even though _made_ was feeling like not quite the right word. “We were just talking about that shit. The, uh.”

Shiv nodded, looking at him closely. “Okay,” she said. “How did it come up?”

“I don’t know, he was pissed at me.”

“Well, don’t say that like that’s his problem,” Shiv said. Now Kendall couldn’t catch her eye; she was very busy with the chip bag. “I mean, I’d be pissed too, if you’d…”

“What?” Kendall snapped after a second.

“It was fucked up, Ken. Come on.”

“It was…” He began to think of a retort.

Shiv thought faster. “It was fucked up, like a lot of shit you did to win Dad’s approval. He wanted you to tear each other apart, and you did it. For most of your life. And then you decided you weren’t talking to Dad anymore and you were past all of that?” She shrugged and made a face, an angry kind of pursed-lip smile. “Onto your new and improved life?”

Kendall was starting to get the impression that Shiv was also mad at him, for some reason. Even though he hadn’t done shit to her. But then he remembered, normal people cared about each other, they didn’t live in the fucking animal kingdom dog-eat-dog bullshit world all the time. Him fucking with Roman was enough of a reason for her to be mad.

“Fuck you,” he said. “We all did shit, I wasn’t just…”

“Well, yeah, but. You’re the only one that left.”

“Oh, I’m sorry my getting sober was inconvenient for you,” Kendall added. “I was gonna kill someone, Shiv, or worse. Be one of those sad fucks on death row. I couldn’t talk to him anymore, I couldn’t.”

“You’re so fucking dramatic,” Shiv mumbled, her mouth full. “It’s not about that, anyways, and you know it.”

“No. I don’t. What do I know?”

Shiv rolled her eyes, and went to get Connor up. “I’m glad you’re sober,” she said. “But fuck, Ken. You didn’t tell any of us. We had to hear it from him.”

Was he supposed to have told them? Kendall assumed none of them would have been on his side. They would’ve ratted him out, or worked with Dad to get him back in, or fucking made fun of him when he was too fragile to handle it. He got some of that out, verbalized, while they were getting Con on his feet. Stumbled over his words.

“Yeah,” Shiv said. “Maybe we would’ve. Still.” She groaned as Connor fell into her. “Okay, no talking, let’s do this.”

They wrestled Connor into his coat and out to Kendall’s van together. It was like he was sleepwalking, except he was sort of belligerently incoherent. He almost slipped on some ice, but Kendall and Shiv managed to keep him from going down. “I love you,” Connor said, once he was in the car.

“Sure, bud,” Kendall said. He went to head back for Willa, but Shiv stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Ken.”

“What?”

Shiv chewed on her lip. Her “I think… we have to talk about this.”

Another crossroads. Maybe Kendall would be feeling them for the rest of his life, his fucking… programming from Dad exposed. But maybe he’d always been aware of that, too. He started taking shit in college to forget, after all, that was just a fucking fact. Like all the other facts that he never thought twice about - Rome living with Dad, Connor being a fucking wimp, holidays being miserable. He could try telling her to fuck off, call her overemotional, maybe. He’d done that before.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay?”

“Then let’s do that. Fucking… talk.” Kendall shrugged. “Whatever it takes.” He meant it, too. It felt like a quid pro quo, too. A good kind of one. They’d all blown off his attempts to make amends for the shit he did while high before, but it felt like the chance to try again, all of a sudden. “Shiv.”

“What.”

“I’m sorry. I was really fucked up, for a long time, and. You were right to, fucking. Cut me off, and.” He was fumbling again. “I want it to be us,” he finally said.

“Like… us?” She gestured between the two of them.

He shook his head. “All of us.”

Shiv nodded. It was hard to tell, but it looked like she was tearing up. Her nose was pink from the cold. Kendall kept it together. He didn’t say anything. He waited. “Yeah,” she said.

“Me too,” Connor said. Apparently he was awake again.

“Will you help us with Roman?” Shiv said. Pouncing on the chance.

Connor’s answer took a second. “Yeah,” he said at last. “I’ll go along with whatever you think. I’ve always said that.”

“No, you said Ken’s being a baby,” Shiv said.

“Well.”

Shiv and Kendall exchanged a look. “I’m gonna go get Willa,” Shiv said, and went inside.

They heard the front door close, and then it was just them outside on a silent, snowy street. Connor shifted in his seat. “You mean it?” he asked.

“Do I mean what?” Kendall said.

Connor was quiet for a second. More to fight through, Kendall thought. “What you said to Shiv,” he finally said.

“Yeah,” Kendall said. “Yeah, man.” Fuck it. He leaned into the half open side door and looked at his older brother. Half-brother, they all used to remind everybody all the time. That probably hurt. “I know I came to you more, while I was… for money, and pills, and I’m sorry for that. It must’ve put you in a tough place.”

“All good, Kenny,” Connor said after another pause. Like Roman, Kendall thought. Connor didn’t like silence. And that didn’t mean anything was good at all, just that Connor didn’t want to talk about it, so Kendall left him alone.

Shiv came back out with Willa draped over her shoulder, leaning on her. She put Willa in the back next to Connor, dismissing Willa’s repeated drunk thanks. “Thanks for taking them,” she said to Kendall.

“Sure.”

“I’ll talk to Rome,” she promised. “Work the angles.”

Kendall nodded. “Good.”

She looked at him for several long moments. Seemed like she might say something emotional. “Can’t believe you’re a fucking minivan dad,” Shiv said in the end, and gave Kendall a hug before he left.

They didn’t do any Easter things, besides buying a shitload of pastel candy that they all said was for the kids that they ended up eating themselves. The kids weren’t even here this year, actually. Easter wasn’t one of the holidays the Roys spent together. Usually, everybody was at Dad’s, so Kendall went with Rava to her parents’. But the previous weekend, Connor had texted all of them to tell them he’d informed Dad they wouldn’t be doing Easter with him. Like that was just the way they could do things. Tell Dad what they were doing and be done. So Kendall split after the family photo and went to Connor’s, to see the rest of his siblings.

“Well, Willa sent the text,” Connor said when they asked him about it. He was amassing a pile of pastel green M&Ms on the counter, which he kept batting Willa’s hands away from.

“You asked me to,” Willa said, and finally got a couple of green ones away from Connor. She looked around at the other Roy siblings. “I wasn’t just, like inserting myself into your family dynamic.”

Shiv shrugged. “That’s fine.”

“Yeah. Please, insert yourself wherever you want,” Roman said, and grinned when Connor got annoyed with him and started his _Willa is the love of my life_ routine again. Willa was smiling too. She was getting a feel for the family, Kendall thought. She was feeling more secure, and less like the young actress Connor had hooked up with ten years ago or whatever.

“What did he say?” Shiv asked, faux casual. That was her biggest tell. “When you told him.” Tom nodded, also interested.

“Nothing,” Connor shrugged. “He doesn’t text back. You know that.”

Kendall didn’t know that. He’d never texted him. But he kept silent, glanced at Roman. Roman was smoothing out a foil wrapper with his thumbnail, focused on that.

“He called,” Willa said, when Connor didn’t.

“Well, I missed it,” Connor said. “Slipped my mind.”

Uh. Holy shit. Kendall caught Roman and Shiv exchanging looks of disbelief, and then Roman glanced at Kendall too. Including him. “Is this your way of telling us your memory’s failing?” Roman said. “I know you’re getting up there, age-wise.”

“Ha ha,” Connor said crossly. “Very funny.”

“I’m just saying.”

“They say ginkgo biloba is great for memory,” Tom contributed, spreading his hands out invitingly. “So that’s. Y’know. A possibility.”

Connor held his hand up. “My memory is fine,” he said. “And we already take ginkgo, as part of our supplement regimen.” Willa nodded. She was big on the supplements, Kendall had learned. He’d been talking to Connor more over the months, and Shiv too. Roman would only pick up a few calls, and he wouldn’t stay on them long. Kendall wanted to talk about that. Today seemed like a good shot.

He waited as long as he could, until everybody seemed relaxed. Before they figured out where they were gonna go for brunch. Tom kept telling them to give the Cheesecake Factory a chance, and that seemed like it would win just because it was close. But before they made that decision for sure, Kendall said, “Uh, actually. Can we go talk? In your office, Con? Or something.”

“We?” Roman repeated.

“Yeah, four of us.” Kendall gestured at the siblings. “There’s a, uh. Family matter.”

Con and Shiv nodded. Roman, however, made a face that Kendall was beginning to think he should interpret as fear. It looked a lot more like annoyance, in the moment. “Oh, good,” he said. “An intervention? Is this an intervention?”

“Who says it’s even about you?” Shiv said, and shoved Roman as she walked by.

Roman didn’t push her back. “Well, the rest of you seem to know what’s going on here,” he said. “So. It seems like an intervention scenario. Unless you’re gonna try to tell me I’m adopted, which I’m not falling for again, alright? It’s been months since I fell for that.” A weak attempt at a joke. He fell into step behind all of them after that, silent.

The office was small, in the front of the house. The mirror image of the dining room, with French doors Connor closed behind them. He worked out of here more than his actual office nowadays, selling doctors on new pharmaceuticals. Kendall had ended up in here more than once, begging for a sample of oxy or something. Connor had given it to him, more often than not. With a smile. It was hard to think about it, but Kendall made himself remember. Harder to talk about it, but they’d done that too, a month ago. The first time Kendall could remember, just him and Connor went and sat at a little table in a cafe, and talked about shit. Even though Kendall did most of the talking, it was a start.

Connor sat in his office chair and Roman slouched over half the couch across from the desk. Shiv sat next to him, and Kendall stayed on his feet. There was some vestige of like, fight or flight telling him he had to be ready to move.

“Guys,” Roman said when none of them spoke. “Did Dad say something? Because I’ll tell you what I told him and it’s the fucking truth, okay, I’m not addicted to coke. I mean I don’t even know you think I’m getting it when I’m dead fucking broke anyways and it doesn’t even work on me.” He looked at Kendall. “You should know.”

“I know you’re not doing coke, Rome,” Kendall said, annoyed to be immediately derailed.

“Okay…”

There was a pause. Kendall almost wanted to wait for someone else to explain this shit, but he was the one on the hook here. This was his metaphorically hard pill to swallow. Or maybe crush up and snort. Or maybe that wasn’t really where his mind needed to be going right now.

“Ken,” Connor said, and Kendall met his eyes. “Chill,” he said. Not in a dismissive way. In the way that was comforting, somehow. Though Kendall couldn’t remember if he’d ever found himself comforted by Connor before. It was the strangest sensation, mostly because it worked.

Kendall nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Well. There’s some stuff I’ve been meaning to say, but it seems like you’ve been avoiding me.”

“Wow,” Roman said, slouched so much his ass was basically hanging off the couch. “A real empath on our hands. Watch out.”

“Rome,” Shiv said.

Roman threw her the most annoyed look. “Oh, what, you buy his whole Eat Pray Love journey?”

Shiv shrugged. Connor didn’t say anything. “What, you think I’m full of shit?” Kendall asked.

“Oh, fuck you, for even asking me that question,” Roman frowned.

“Fuck me for wanting your opinion?” Kendall demanded, with a look at Shiv for support but she was just watching them back and forth like a tennis match.

And then Roman did what he’d been doing, the weird thing. He dropped the ball, and stopped arguing and just curled in on himself, pulling one foot up on the couch to hug his knee against his chest. “You didn’t call a family meeting just to ask for my opinion,” he said. All of a sudden he sounded weirdly serious. “What’s going on?”

“I called a family meeting so you’d fucking listen to me.”

“Okay,” Roman snapped. “Fine. Listening. What.”

“You really want to know?” Kendall said, and Roman gave him a look that said nothing. Hard to tell if he was nervous or mad or whatever, because Roman never had any tells he didn’t want to have. “Fine. Cards on the table. It seems like you’re mad at me for saying you should move out, but I fucking meant it. So.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “This bullshit again? Shiv.” He really thought she’d back him up on that, from the way he turned towards her, but Shiv shook her head.

“I… think Ken has a point,” she said, arms crossed. “One I kind of… may have brought up in the first place.”

“So _you’re_ the fucking narc,” Roman said, pointing at her.

“It’s not wrong to talk about when Dad’s being a psycho!” Shiv protested.

“Uh, Dad would disagree.”

“Dad’s not here,” Kendall said, spreading his arms out. “That’s the whole point. It’s not treason to say he’s done some really fucked up things, so if you’d just _listen-_ ”

“Kenny,” Connor said, a warning. And Kendall heard it too, he was getting too loud, and Roman was uncomfortable with that. It was just that last step that was new, knowing that Roman didn’t like it and putting that first. Connor’s warning made him think of it.

Kendall took a deep breath and step back from the couch, leaned on the desk with Connor at his back. “Look,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before I cut Dad off. All of you. I should’ve told you. I had my reasons, for not. But. I sincerely apologize.”

Roman made a jerk off motion and a fart sound. “Okay. You feel better now?”

“Are you allergic to a serious conversation?”

Shiv put her hand out towards Kendall, stopping him. “Rome,” she said, looking seriously at Roman. “Hear him out.”

“Why, so he can feel like a guy? A fucking… good guy? And fuck off back to his wife and kids and perfect life? No thanks. I’ll skip that part of the fucking twelve step process,” Roman said, and glanced at Kendall for his reaction. “And fuck you guys, for teaming up to try and make me listen to this shit.”

“Not here to make you do anything, Rome,” Connor said mildly.

For some reason, that got Roman’s attention. He looked past Kendall at Connor, and then at Kendall and then sideways at Shiv and he said with a reluctant little curl to his mouth, “Since when are the three of you on the same page?”

None of them knew how to answer, apparently. Kendall shrugged.

“Okay,” Roman said abruptly. “Fine. Start from the top because I wasn’t listening.” He was listening now, though. He looked Kendall right in the eyes again, and something in his face seemed almost hungry.

“I fucked up,” Kendall said more plainly than before. “I didn’t think about you. I wasn’t trying to, but I fucked you. You had to deal with the fallout of that. That’s on me. And the shit you brought up too. The… games and shit.” Roman looked uneasy at the mention, a brief wince flashing over his face. “Fucked up,” Kendall said definitively. “I’m sorry.”

“Okay so what, what’s the catch?”

“Catch,” Kendall repeated.

“Yeah.” Roman itched his nose. “Are you done talking to me too, now? Conscience clear, clean break with the whole household?”

That was _so_ not what Kendall meant that he found it hard to articulate what he did mean. Shiv answered for him. “No,” she said, like it was supposed to be obvious. “Rome. He’s just apologizing.”

“Why?” Roman frowned.

“Because I was wrong,” Kendall said.

Roman’s eyebrows drew down even further. “Okay,” he said, so skeptically, drawing the word out long. “So is that it? Are we done?”

It was too exhausting to keep trying to pin Roman down on this. “Sure,” Kendall said. Shiv was trying to say something with her face; he didn’t have the energy to look. “Let’s go get some cheesecake, I guess.”

Tom had a lot to tell them about the merits of Cheesecake Factory. Kendall was more than relieved to let him tell Roman and Shiv on the way while Kendall rode with Connor and Willa. They talked about the adoption process in the car, how he and Rava adopted Sophie. “We’re just considering our options,” Willa said. And Connor smiled like he’d never been happier.

Roman was more like normal when they got there. He and Willa were bickering in line, that was good. When they all sat down, Shiv sat next to him, between him and the rest of the table. And when their food came, Shiv and Roman stole food off each others plates so brazenly and without consequence that it was really more accurate to say they shared, though Kendall knew they’d throw a fucking fit if he said that. Dad discouraged sharing. And as much as Shiv pretended Dad didn’t get to her, and Roman just avoided mentioning Dad altogether, Kendall was starting to put together something that had eluded him before.

When he’d stopped talking to Dad, he hadn’t thought about his siblings or how they’d feel. He wasn’t used to factoring them in. But now he was thinking about them, and thinking about the ways he knew Dad had fucked them up and hadn’t thought about. Couldn’t think about, probably. If he thought about it, he might not have had the balls to get out. He’d always been weak for his siblings.

Not weak necessarily, though. Kendall had to keep actively reminding himself. He cared about them. Dad didn’t like that, but that didn’t make it wrong. And as he watched Connor and Shiv argue over which one of them got to pay for brunch, Kendall wondered what they had to keep reminding themselves Dad was wrong about, or if they even thought that way. It seemed like maybe they didn’t know Dad was wrong, that was the thing.

Shiv and Connor kept arguing all the way out to the car, with Tom as enthusiastic mediator. Kendall had missed the specifics, honestly, so he was sort of hanging back, checking his texts from Rava. Her mother had made another passive-aggressive comment about how much more money they spent on Iverson’s school than Sophie’s - he was typing out something supportive when Roman spoke up. “Hey.”

“What.” Kendall didn’t look up.

“That apology straight out of a Lifetime special. Was that your way of trying to tell me… like, that you love me or some shit?” Roman said, his voice soft.

God. Kendall immediately nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Yes.” He found it hard to say the words himself, but that was the essence of what he meant in a way that he never knew he needed to articulate.

“Okay,” Roman said. “Gross, but okay.” He led Kendall out the door, not holding it for him but holding it long enough for Kendall to squeeze through behind him. Then, as they were walking through the parking lot, he nudged Kendall with his elbow. “Me too.”

This was the moment, with Roman. Kendall knew it the same way he’d known with Shiv. “Rome,” he said. “It wasn’t just that. I’m-”

“I know,” Roman said. “But I was leaving that unsaid. For your sake, y’know. It was pretty fucking embarrassing for you, to apologize like that.”

“I’m okay with that.”

Roman shot him a look that told him he found Kendall deeply shameful. “Okay,” he said with great suspicion. “Well. That’s cringe of you. I’m cringing.” Kendall shrugged unrepentantly and Roman pointed at him. “Don’t just shrug, be embarrassed.”

“I’m not,” Kendall said, with a huge smile because Roman was even more uncomfortable with that.

“Fuck you,” Roman said.

“You wish,” Kendall retorted. Which made Roman laugh, a weird-sounding little snort that Kendall hardly recognized. Roman didn’t laugh a lot, actually. That was fucking heartbreaking to think about. “Is it cringe for me to give you a hug?” Kendall asked, when they were almost caught up with the others.

“Uhhhhh… yeah, dude. No thanks,” Roman said, and then he leaned in and slipped his arm around Kendall, just for a second. His head was on Kendall’s shoulder for a moment. Kendall couldn’t remember the last time they’d been that close.

Shiv caught them pulling apart, a hint of a frown appearing when she saw. “All good?” she asked.

“Nope!” Roman said brightly. But he took Kendall’s calls after that, talked with him about bullshit mostly and real shit occasionally, obliquely. It was a start.

The Roy kids spent Memorial Day weekend together at Shiv’s. It was a pretty blatant excuse to see each other; they’d never done it before. But it felt like maybe they’d keep doing it. Just them, just hanging out. Tom manned the grill with Connor micromanaging, and the kids shucked sweet corn that they boiled, and Rava and Kendall visited with Willa and Shiv and Roman and and his date. To the surprise of everyone, Roman showed up to dinner with this Tabitha person, a tall blonde who looked suspiciously familiar.

There was another thing going on, too. Tom had his bachelor party the weekend before. Their wedding wasn’t happening for a while yet, not until September, but Tom had desperately pleaded for them to do something now, to celebrate, since his Minnesota friends were so far away. So they went to Hooters. His choice. The less said about it, the better.

Kendall put it together halfway through the meal. "Uh, Rome," he said in an undertone. Tom and Shiv were sitting across from them. Tom had been looking markedly uncomfortable most of the time. 

"Yep."

"Is that our waitress? From Tom's dinner?”

"Is that where you met her? I can't even... remember, now." Roman was playing innocent, sipping his drink and off into the distance. "Do your kids like books?"

Kendall thought that was a joke, at first. "Do they like... books," he repeated.

"Is that a no?" Roman asked testily. "I don't know what the fuck kids like. Are they not old enough to read? When does that usually happen."

So he was seriously asking. Kendall frowned. "No, they can read," he said. "Sophie's basically finished most of what she's interested in, at the library. Iverson's not far behind."

"Okay," Roman said with a glance in Kendall's direction. "Because I have like, all sorts of shit at Dad's in boxes. None of you took your like, books and childhood shit with you. So."

The realizations were sort of staggered. Roman had shit in boxes - as in moving, maybe? And then, Roman had been holding onto all of their old stuff. And then, Roman was giving it to Kendall's kids. Peace offering. "Yeah, why don't you talk to them about it," Kendall said. "I'm sure they'd-" He stopped when Roman rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Don't get all fucking... dad on me," Roman grumbled, leaning back in his chair with his drink. "I'm not being nice. They're just sitting there."

"Oh, am I not allowed to want my brother and my kids to get along?"

"I don't know. I'm leaning no."

"You're leaning no."

Roman sort of smiled for a second, wiped it off his face as soon as he caught himself but Kendall had seen it. "Tab's cool," Roman said, avoiding eye contact again. "She won't say anything."

Right. Like Kendall even cared about that. "Do you have shit in boxes you need help moving?" he asked, in what he thought was a very normal tone.

Roman saw right through him - another eye roll, a disdainful one. "Okay," he said. "So subtle. Wow. I hardly noticed that."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a mind your own fucking business, and I'll tell you when I need help moving," Roman said, quicker than ever. If Kendall's eyes weren't on him, he would've missed the glance flicked his way, to gauge his reaction. "Okay?"

"Sure," Kendall said. "I'll be there."

"Shut up." Roman got up.

Kendall and Tabitha made eye contact across Roman's empty seat. "Hey," she said, and while she sounded perfectly polite, just like before there was an edge under it. That was probably what Roman liked about her, Kendall thought. Roman was much more comfortable with a little bit of friendly animosity.

"Hi," Kendall said, and intended to make nice conversation but couldn't think of anything to say. He’d ask what she did, but he knew the answer was working at Hooters. So. That seemed like a nonstarter.

“So how old are your kids?” she asked.

“Twelve and fourteen,” Kendall said. “Iverson and Sophie.”

She nodded politely. “A fun age. Old enough to challenge your authority and but too old to be funny anymore.”

Kendall smiled a little. “Yeah, basically. How’s…” He couldn’t think of how to finish the sentence.

“Great,” Tabitha said with a smile. “Thanks for asking.”

Roman came back with his glass full again. “Okay,” he said. “Enough of that. You two talking is like… weird, okay.”

“Ro,” Tabitha said. “You can’t bring me and then refuse to let me talk to anyone.”

“I can fucking try,” Roman said, with a sulky sip of his drink.

“Rome’s never been great at having friends,” Kendall said to her, and Roman gave him the biggest glare.

“Fuck you, I’ve never been great at having friends,” he said. “Like you’ve ever made a single friend in your adult life. You just have Stewy from college and you act like you’re so fucking functional?”

Shiv was paying attention now. Connor was talking to Iverson about water, or something.

“I’ve made friends,” Kendall said. Oddly defensive, all of a sudden. “I know people.”

“ _Don’t_ count your wife,” Roman said.

From Kendall’s other side, Rava said, “That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me, Rome.”

“Don’t get too fucking used to it,” Roman grumbled, and Shiv fought off a smile.

“Swearing around the kids not a problem?” Tabitha inquired.

Kendall shook his head. “Even Roman doesn’t swear more than Rava when she’s driving,” he said, and Rava had to accept that with a teasingly reluctant raise of her glass.

“Swearing is just words, anyways,” Sophie said importantly, and everyone at the table had to give her that point.

“So,” Connor said at the end of the evening. “Round two at my house for the Fourth of July?”

“Can I invite Stewy?” Kendall said, and Roman flipped him off.

“Sure,” Connor said. “Invite anybody you want. Marianne, our cousin, she’s been trying to get us to meet her kid for a while, I’ll see if he can come.”

“Sounds fucking miserable,” Roman said, with an arm wrapped around Tabitha. She was a full head taller than him. Kendall thought of a monkey clinging to a tree.

“But you’ll be there,” Shiv said.

“Yeah,” Roman said. “I’ll be there.”

The Fourth of July barbecue was a great time, until Dad showed up. Everyone was there, the family and Stewy and whoever this Greg guy was. Greg let Iverson talk his ear off about marine biology and appeared to even be actually interested for almost twenty minutes, so Kendall decided he was okay. Tabitha was painting Sophie’s nails at the table, talking with Rava about the medical dramas - apparently they had the same taste in TV shows. Stewy and Shiv and Willa were laughing together, with a glances in Kendall’s direction that made him a little nervous, but he was listening to Connor’s plans to run for school board once he had a kid so he didn’t let it bother him much. They were having fun. And then Dad and one of his girlfriends was walking around the side of the house, and everything stopped.

In that moment, Kendall found out he knew exactly what it was like to be afraid of Dad. He’d just been blocking it out. Stewy looked back at him, like he could read Kendall’s mind, and took a step towards him.

“Well, don’t all say hello at once,” Dad said, and made his way over to the table. Kendall wanted to stop him. But he couldn’t move. He needed to clear his throat.

“Hey, Dad,” Roman said after a second, and wandered closer to Dad kind of aimlessly. “Um, what are you… doing here? Who’s this?” Tabitha looked at Roman at the sound of his voice, her face kind of blank with concern. Maybe she did know him, if she knew the tone of voice that meant he was scared. Maybe Kendall should take the lead.

This was Marcia, Dad introduced her, and said a lot more about where she was from and how they met. Kendall wasn’t listening. He looked at Rava, who raised her eyebrows at him - she asked if should they leave with her eyes, and Kendall shook his head. He couldn’t abandon them again.

Dad sat down at the head of the table - Connor’s seat - and Marcia sat next to him. He made some tense conversation with the whole table, called the kids over to ask them about their grades. As if he’d been part of their life. Anger was mixing in, with the fear. Kendall couldn’t say anything. Rava came to stand by him and put her hand on his back reassuringly.

“Vegetarian?” Dad said to Sophie. “Then what are you eating today? What’s on the menu?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Dad, but nothing for you,” Roman said. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

Marcia frowned. “That’s a rude thing to say to your father.”

“Vegans only eat plant-based food,” Iverson piped up from Dad’s other side.

“It’s the truth,” Roman said, looking over at Shiv for support. “I mean you didn’t bring anything. I actually don’t even know if we have, like…”

Dad was looking increasingly infuriated. “I need an invitation to see my family, is that it?”

“Pescatarians eat like vegans but also fish,” Iverson said.

“Enough, honey,” Rava said.

“You kind of do,” Shiv said. “To events like this. Where we have a finite amount of food and shit.” Tom nodded, great back-up.

“Oh right, your laser fucking precision when making hot dogs,” Dad growled. “We’re a family, Siobhan. We can-”

“Okay, maybe you should make sure you’re on speaking terms with all your kids before you start getting on your high horse about family,” Roman said, half into his drink.

“Raw food diets mean eating things that aren’t cooked,” Iverson continued.

“Enough!” Dad thundered, and he hit Iverson. A slap, like he’d slapped Roman so many times before. To shut him up. And things kind of exploded. Rava got the both of the kids out of there, took them towards the house with Willa. Kendall found himself in his father’s face, yelling at him for it, until Stewy and Connor got between them. He didn’t even know what he said. He just heard how loud he was and shut his mouth.

Right, Kendall reminded himself. Breathe. Think about the people around him.

Roman was pretending that hadn’t scared the shit out of him, shrugging off Tabitha’s half-begun questions. He paced a little, nervous jitters. Kendall had to force himself to unclench his fists. Stewy had positioned himself between Kendall and Dad, a hand on Kendall’s chest like he thought they’d go at each other. Shiv was frozen, Tom’s arm around her. Greg loomed awkwardly in the background. And Connor was quiet, looking out over his back yard like what just happened didn’t matter.

“You should go, Dad,” Roman finally said.

“I barely touched him,” Dad said. A lie, one he told a lot when they were kids.

Roman’s lips curled up in almost a smile. “Oh sure. That fixes it.”

“He deserves to have a holiday with his children,” Marcia said.

“Stay the fuck out of this,” Shiv spoke up, her tone sharp.

“Don’t speak to her that way,” Dad said.

“Oh, yes I’m sorry I’m not more polite to your fucking girlfriend who’s also here uninvited,” Shiv snapped. “My bad.” She turned away, itching her forehead. Another tell of hers. Tom, for once, wasn’t all over her. He was watching what was happening.

Kendall felt his hands curling back into fists.

“Look, Dad, can you just go and we’ll talk about it later? On, like, not a holiday, maybe?” Roman said. He sounded surprisingly normal. Fuck. Maybe this _was_ normal for him, even still. Maybe it never fucking stopped.

“No, we’ll have this out now,” Dad said, and rose to his feet. Connor backed off, and Kendall took a step back too but Roman didn’t move. He wasn’t fearless, which made him so much more brave. Kendall should tell him, he made a mental note to let Roman know how ballsy he was.

The craziest thing, though, was how Dad didn’t even notice how they all revolved around him and his moods. No awareness. “You’ve turned on me,” he said. So, still on that.

“Oh my god,” Roman sighed.

“Of course we haven’t, Pop,” Connor said.

“You have! You’ve all turned on me, you’re a bunch of fucking traitors. All of you.” Dad swung his hand around, accusatorially. Roman leaned back, a little more out of reach. “When all I did was-”

“Tell us to put each other in fucking cages so you could feel like the king of the fucking jungle?” Kendall said, with a fury he couldn’t totally own. “Yeah, how could we possibly have absorbed the message that loyalty doesn’t mean shit.”

Roman looked at Kendall then, his head mostly down and his face impassive. Something about this expression was familiar too, the flash of emotional telepathy. Kendall had what his therapist would probably call an episode. He saw Roman so much younger, giving him that same look on the rare occasion that Kendall actually took his side. Roman always went quiet, when they stood up for him.

That all happened in an instant. Stewy was talking. “Take a deep breath, Ken,” he said. “Okay? This is not a big deal.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Dad demanded of Stewy.

“Ken’s best friend. We’ve met.”

“So you’re inviting fucking _friends_?” Dad said, sneering at the word, “But you’re gonna try to send me home. Me! After everything I’ve done for you.”

“We’re not doing this right now,” Kendall said. “You’re not welcome here. Leave.”

“I just got here.”

“You hit my fucking kid!” Kendall shouted again, and Roman, itching the back of his neck, nodded. He didn’t seem totally aware he was doing it.

“He made a mistake,” Marcia said. “Should he be punished for it?”

“Oh. Good question, Marcia,” Roman said. “Dad, what was it you said about mistakes? Was it, oh don’t worry, nobody’s perfect? I can’t remember.”

“Romulus,” Dad said in a warning tone.

“Dad, please,” Shiv said, her tone desperate. Kendall knew that tone; she always thought she could reason Dad out of his moods. “You hit Roman until he cried when he got the fucking steak at Applebee’s.” She wanted that to mean something. It didn’t, not to Dad. Roman just made a face, brushing it off, and wandered a few steps, closer to Dad. Kendall wanted to pull him back.

“We’re not doing memory lane,” Dad said.

“We’re not doing anything,” Kendall said, “because you’re leaving.”

“Do not speak to your father this way,” Marcia interjected.

Shiv threw her hands up. “You aren’t part of this! Why’d you even bring her?”

“Because he can’t drive on his own,” Roman said. “The old guy needed a ride, in more ways than one if you know what I me-”

Dad hit Roman. Kendall should’ve seen it coming. He used to be able to tell when Dad would lose it. If he was being honest with himself, he used to make sure he wouldn’t be around for that.

Not this time. Not today. Kendall darted past Connor and Stewy to get to Roman. He heard himself talking this time, heard himself _roar_ at his dad, “ _Do not fucking touch him_.” And he looked at Dad, at his fucking nonchalant fucking face, and he wanted to hit him back so bad his hands ached for it. But he wasn’t going to do that. He was better than that fucking lunatic.

“Alright,” Tom said, and pushed his way to the front of the confrontation. “I’m going to have to insist you leave or I’ll be calling the police. Greg, can you come help Logan to his car?”

Fuck yeah, Tom. Kendall would look at him with new respect, if he had a second to spare. Instead he followed Roman back towards the house, tried putting a hand on Roman’s back and got shrugged off. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s whatever.” His hand fell to his side, had blood dripping off his index finger. “He slapped me, it’s not the end of the world.” Roman stopped at the table, dug into the ice in the cooler to get a couple pieces. Then he turned to look at Kendall, eyes flicking past him at Dad for a second. Roman’s lips were bloody - cut the inside of his cheek, apparently. He flicked his tongue over his lips to get the blood off. “What?” Roman said then. “Don’t fucking look at me.”

“Okay,” Kendall said. He looked back at Dad, who was being escorted around the side of the house by Greg’s abnormally tall frame, with Tom following behind.

“Fucking Tom,” Roman said. “Who knew he had the nuts?”

“Not me,” Kendall agreed. “And fucking Greg.”

“I have no idea why that guy is here,” Roman said, and he sounded almost normal. He held the ice cube against his lip, and then put it in his mouth. “Where’s the kid?” he asked then, his tone wary.

“Uh.” Kendall gestured towards the sliding door. “Do you want to…”

Roman led the way inside. Rava and Iverson were on the couch, she was holding him. Sophie was very quiet next to him, with Willa on the other side of her. Willa made room for Kendall, to sit with them. Roman paced.

“Hey,” Kendall said, and gave Sophie a big hug. Iverson unstuck himself from Rava’s side to hug Kendall too, then, and Kendall held them and thought about Dad. He’d never hit his kids, even as bad as it got. But he thought about what to say, what he might’ve wanted to hear a long time ago. “Grandpa’s not nice. You don’t have to be anywhere near him, ever again. Okay?” He looked between both his kids.

They both nodded.

“He’s leaving,” Kendall added. “That’s the only reason we’re staying.” He made eye contact with Rava. She nodded. “Okay. Do you have any questions?”

Sophie shook her head.

“Is it bad to talk about raw food diets?” Iverson asked.

“No, sweetie,” Rava said.

“Nope,” Kendall echoed her. “Not wrong at all. It wasn’t because of that.”

“No,” Roman said. “It was because of me running my mouth.” He was lurking by the fireplace, still chewing on ice. “That one was on me.”

Kendall caught Rava looking at Roman with gentleness, for maybe the first time ever. “No, it wasn’t,” she said pointedly at the kids, but maybe at him too. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Logan’s.”

Roman made a face for a second, too brief for Kendall to analyze it.

Connor came inside then, with his keys. “Hey,” he said. “Rome, c’mon.” He headed directly for the front door.

“Where?” Roman asked, already following him.

“We’re getting your shit and you’re moving into my spare room.”

“Yes,” Kendall said immediately. “I’ll come.”

“Tom’s coming too,” Connor said.

Willa stood up too. “Let me drive,” she said, and Connor threw her the keys.

Roman had frozen when they said that. He looked between them, waiting for the punchline. “I don’t have that much shit,” he said, and then, “I don’t need your help.”

“Fuck that,” Kendall said, and Connor nodded sagely.

There was a second where it seemed like Roman might actually tell them not to do this, and Kendall couldn’t even decide how he’d reply. But Roman just nodded once, and they all went out to the car.

They ate hours later, between carrying loads inside. Kendall hardly tasted the food. He couldn’t help but keep looking at Roman, checking on him, even though Roman made a face every time he caught him. It was something that felt singular, what happened today. A barn-raising. This is what he wanted, what he tried to communicate to Shiv on New Year’s. Them. Family. But he didn’t try to say that tonight, he just nodded when Connor thanked them all for helping and left long before he wanted to. If he could, he’d be there all night. But Roman looked like he wanted to be left alone, he disappeared upstairs for a while, so Kendall and Rava left as everyone else did.

The kids fell asleep on the drive home. Rava was quiet at first, looking out her window. “Sorry,” Kendall said eventually. “I know that wasn’t the… plan. For the day.”

“That’s okay,” Rava said.

“But what? It sounds like there’s a but, there.”

Rava shrugged. “I…” she began, and paused to think. “I think. I always found you intense,” she finally said. “Like. Really intense. When we were dating, y’know. I had the conversation, with my friends.”

“What do you mean, the conversation?”

“Like. If I felt safe with you. You were _all_ in, in like a way that could’ve been scary. It worked, obviously,” she added with a smile. “In the end. But it’s also just good to know that you’re just like that.”

“What do you mean?” Kendall frowned.

“I have never seen you like that, with your family,” Rava said, looking over at him. “Never.”

“Oh.”

“It was nice,” she said. “I liked it.”

Okay. It was nice. Kendall smiled. “Alright,” he said. Rava liked it. “Awesome.”

“You feel okay?”

“Yeah. I feel good. Everybody was… we were on the same side,” Kendall said. Maybe that would sound stupid. He didn’t care, though. As long as they could keep it going like this. And Rava didn’t say it sounded stupid. She smiled bigger, and then fell asleep, and Kendall thought about if he could show Dad this, how he would tell Dad he was so much happier than he’d ever thought he could be. But then, he thought, he wouldn’t tell him because it wouldn’t make any impact on him. It was just a nice idea.

And then, Kendall realized maybe he could tell Connor about this feeling some day. Or Shiv. Or even Roman. That was a real possibility. He could get what he was hoping for from them, they could get it from each other. Dad didn’t have to be involved at all. He could keep not being involved, and it wouldn’t even be like they were missing anything.

A month and three days after Shiv got married, they got back together for Halloween. Another holiday they never did together, but Shiv called and asked when trick-or-treating was happening in Kendall’s neighborhood and then said, “Can we come hand out candy with you?”

“Uh, okay,” Ken said. “Sure. I’ll check with Rava, but it should be fine.”

“Like all of us, we,” Shiv said after a second. She sounded distracted; probably was emailing while she talked. “To be clear.”

“Oh. You all want to?”

“Yeah. It was Roman’s idea. Text me if it’s a problem.”

It was not a problem. Kendall’s siblings all showed up. Willa and Tom brought supplementary candy, and Connor unloaded folding chairs. Everyone showered the kids with attention for their costumes - Bill Nye and Wonder Woman. Or, everyone until Roman. He took a look at Sophie and said, “Real original, huh. What’d you get this out of a plastic bag?”

Sophie burst into tears. Since Rava was upstairs in the bathroom, Kendall took over consoling. “Hey,” he said. “Roman’s a fucking asshole, don’t listen to him.”

“I am,” Roman said, before he fled in search of drinks.

“I thought this was a fun costume,” Sophie said tearfully.

“It is, honey,” Kendall said, and looked around a little desperately for help. He got Shiv, who came over to hug Sophie too.

“Hey,” Shiv said. “Your uncle Roman is an idiot. I think you look so badass.”

This helped a little more. “Really?” Sophie asked.

“Yeah, totally. Are you doing pictures? Can I get a picture?”

“Tell her about how you made the boots, Soph,” Kendall added.

So that worked. It didn’t ruin the night. They got the kids ready to go, and set up the candy and chairs for the people staying home, and then set out with the kids. Kendall took the first half of the night, walking around with the kids. They were a few houses away when Roman caught up with them. “Hey,” he said. “Asswipe. Slow down.” A passing family was horrified. “Relax,” Roman said with withering disdain.

“Maybe keep the swearing to a minimum, around a hundred kids,” Kendall suggested.

“Oh, y’think?”

They were following a couple yards behind the kids. Sophie and Iverson were at the age where they wanted to be way more independent than they really were, so Kendall kept his distance and Roman hung back with him. Probably a good idea, given how he already made one of them cry tonight.

“You just want a walk, or what?” Kendall asked after a few houses, when it was clear Roman was going to stick along with them.

“Fuck you,” Roman said. No one was around to hear that one. “Shiv’s cutting Dad off.”

“What?” Kendall looked at him in shock. “Fuck off.” A kid heard that one, and a mom glared. “Sorry,” he added.

Roman snorted. “Ha. Serves you right.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Roman said with a casual little shrug. “After the bullshit at her wedding, I guess, that was kind of the final straw, so. She blocked his number. He hasn’t noticed yet, but. He will.”

Kendall nodded sort of numbly and kept walking, legs moving mechanically. “Okay,” he said when he still couldn’t think of anything else.

“She hasn’t told you because she didn’t want you to feel pressure or some shit,” Roman said, his tone falsely casual. “But. She and Tom are going to his family’s for Thanksgiving, and I know you and Rava do her whole thing.”

“We see her family,” Kendall said.

“Yeah, whatever.”

Only when the silence dragged out did Kendall connect the dots on what his brother might’ve been getting at. “Oh,” Kendall said. “Do you… are you and Con going to Dad’s still, then?”

“I… I don’t know,” Roman said. His hands were in his coat pockets. He scuffed his feet as he walked. “Uh. We haven’t really… talked about it.”

“Have you talked to Dad about it?”

“No,” Roman said in the middle of his sentence. “No,” he repeated. “I haven’t. We actually… haven’t talked either.”

“Since when?” Kendall demanded. Too loud.

Roman’s shrug was too defensive. “I dunno, since I moved out?” he mumbled.

“Since you moved out?” Kendall repeated, dumbfounded.

Roman shrugged again, and bigger, and they walked in silence for a few houses. “Basically,” he said. “Yeah. You know Dad’s never been a big texter.”

“I don’t know that,” Kendall said. “It’s been like, nine years.”

“Nine?” Roman said, and made a surprised kind of sound. “Jesus.” They paused, to wait for the kids; they’d caught up to them on accident. “Was it hard?” Roman asked after a moment.

Kendall looked at his brother. Roman was purposefully not meeting his eyes. “No,” Kendall answered honestly. “That was the funny thing. It was actually kind of the easiest part.” And Roman just nodded, doing something with his mouth.

The kids came back down the walk, super excited. “You get something good?” Kendall asked.

“Full-sized Snickers,” Sophie said brightly.

“Awesome,” Roman said, but it sounded sarcastic. The kids gave him pitying looks, and ran off to the next house.

“Why are you being a dick to my kids, Rome?” Kendall asked, as they followed behind.

“Fuck if I know,” Roman answered on an exhale.

Shiv said it had been his idea to come. The idea of that was a little absurd - Kendall almost wanted to say something about that. Ask why Roman wanted to be there. Roman wouldn’t give him a straight answer, though, no way, so Kendall didn’t ask.

He and Roman followed along after the kids, did about a six block loop before heading home to dump their candy and make room for more. Then Rava tagged in, taking them around the other half while Kendall sat with his family, guarding the bowl set out on the driveway for kids.

“Um, okay, I saw you take five and you’re lucky I’m not chasing you down,” Roman said, pointing at one child in a cow costume.

“He’s kidding,” Tom said loudly. “Happy Halloween!”

“Very fun of you, to berate children,” Tabitha said brightly, from her seat next to Roman.

Roman glared at her. “What the fuck,” he said. “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side? Isn’t that the whole point of dating?”

“Well, we’d have to have sex to be dating,” Tabitha said in an undertone, so no children heard. Shiv and Kendall exchanged a look at that, wide-eyed.

“She’s joking,” Roman said.

“She’s not,” Tabitha said, and tipped back her beer to finish it.

Tom put his hand over Shiv’s. “Well,” he said. “Sex is only one part of the-”

“Don’t,” Shiv said, pulling her hand away. “We are not getting involved.”

“Okay! Fine.”

When Shiv was sure he’d given in, she gave him her hand back.

“Wow. So supportive, sis.” Roman sounded grumpy. He slouched further down in his chair, so his head was nearly at a ninety degree angle from his chest.

“Shut up,” Shiv said. “Try doing something worth supporting.”

“Ooo, good one,” Roman said, and then fell silent. Like, unusually silent for the rest of the night. Though, Kendall had to admit that maybe Roman was just quieter than he thought of him as being. People changed.

Once the kids were back and having their annual exchange, which they conducted with the seriousness of Wall Street stock brokers. Kendall knew they’d emerge in an hour or so with their spoils. Sophie would get all of the Skittles and Laffy Taffy. Iverson would trade for all the Reese’s cups he could. All in good faith, though. A far cry from the fucking brawl Dad encouraged. There was more than one year when Kendall stole shit from Shiv and Roman, he remembered with shame burning his ears. He wished there was a way to make up for it, without having to bring it up.

They were all decently tipsy off pumpkin ale, sitting around on Kendall’s living room floor because he didn’t have enough chairs for all of them. Roman was lying flat on his back, with his head on Tabitha’s stomach. Willa was curled up against Connor’s side. The evening was winding down. The kids came out, and Iverson dropped four Butterfingers on Roman’s chest from a height. They hit with a thud.

“Ow,” Roman said, opening his eyes.

“Are they your favorites?” Iverson asked.

Roman looked at the candy bars and then back up at Iverson. “Uh. How the fuck would you know that?”

Iverson shrugged and went to brush his teeth, but Kendall remembered, in the moment, Iverson asking Rava something in an undertone earlier the night. Something Rava had refused to tell him, in the moment.

“Weird,” Roman said after a second, and peeled the wrapper off of one.

“This just in, Roman doesn’t know how to accept a gift,” Shiv told the ceiling, and Tom giggled.

“You guys should get some water and go home,” Kendall said. “Don’t you work tomorrow morning?”

“I do,” Tom agreed. “But I only had one Budweiser like an hour ago. So I’m fine.”

So he was just giggling then? Kendall frowned, and Rava caught his eye to make a face at him too. It hadn’t been like this before, with her. Like he was good with her and with the family, and it felt like one sort of thing. One family.

“Do you want to do something the Saturday after Thanksgiving?” Connor asked. “A secondary dinner type of thing.”

“Sure,” Roman said.

“Yeah, we’re in,” Shiv said.

Rava answered for Kendall. “Absolutely. Should we do a potluck? We’ll all be super tired of cooking.”

“Good call,” Kendall said. “Just lunch meat, and like. Sandwiches.”

“Are those two separate menu items?” Shiv asked.

Roman snorted. “Love a side of turkey with my turkey club.”

“Alright,” Kendall sighed.

“Roast beef with a side of pancetta,” Tom said.

“BLT with a side of…” Willa yawned. “Salami.”

Connor looked at her with visible love, a kind of settled-ness in his face that Kendall wasn’t totally used to seeing from him. He didn’t think of Connor as someone who was ever comfortable in his skin. “We should get going, babe,” he said.

That was the spark that got everybody going, making their excuses and heading out to their cars. Shiv gave Kendall a hug, which was ruined by Tom immediately also giving Kendall a hug. Roman watched, his eyebrows high. “Bye,” he said, and somehow just that tone was making fun of Kendall better and more accurately than anyone else ever could.

“Okay. Bye.”

Roman had to wait for Connor, so he had to stand there by the door then. It was kind of awkward. Kendall couldn’t think of anything he wanted to say, though, no parting comments.

“We should text,” Roman said. “About Thanksgiving.”

“Okay,” Kendall said. It would be weird, he thought, to ask if Roman was thinking of cutting Dad off too. He didn’t know how to say he was here for him in a way that Roman wouldn’t make fun of. Didn’t figure it out before they walked out. But that was okay. For once he was pretty confident they’d talk about it later.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, the Roy siblings showed up at Shiv’s house around noon for a day of hanging out and watching movies. The movies part was Connor’s idea. “I can bring some DVDs,” he suggested when Kendall and him got coffee the week before. “Something the kids could watch.”

“Okay,” Kendall had said. “Sure.”

So that’s how they ended up watching Titanic throughout the afternoon, eating turkey sandwiches and veggies and chips.

“Hey, hold on,” Tom said, when they were just a few minutes in. “Pause it. Let’s go around and say what we’re thankful for. Family tradition.”

“Your family, not ours,” Shiv said, and Roman made a sound of disgust.

“I think it sounds nice,” Willa said, and Connor nodded.

“I’ll go first,” Tom said after a long silence. “I’m thankful that we’re all here together.”

“I’m thankful for my phone,” Sophie said.

“I’m thankful that we’re not amphibians,” Iverson volunteered.

Roman snorted. “Yeah, I am thankful I was not born a Siamese twin,” he said. His plate was resting on his stomach, and he was attempting to get a carrot stick into his mouth without moving.

“I am also thankful for that,” Shiv said, to general amusement. “But, more than that, I’m also thankful for the food.”

“Extremely thankful for the food,” Willa agreed.

Shiv frowned. “You can’t piggyback on my thanks, have your own.”

Willa flipped her off, and Shiv grinned back and returned the favor.

“You.” Roman pointed at Rava. “What is it for you.”

“I’m grateful to not be in a refugee camp, how about that, Roman,” Rava said, with a pointed look at him. She was smiling, a little bit, instead of being mad at him. Overall, Rava been much less mad at him, recently.

Roman stuck his tongue out at her, and then smiled back. “Good one,” he said. “Yeah, we all should be. Right?”

“We should, though,” Kendall agreed, attempting to sound sincere but all that got him was two annoyed looks, from both of them.

Connor stepped in. “I’m thankful to have Willa here,” he said.

“Yes,” Willa said brightly, “and I’m thankful to be made to feel so… welcome,” she finished with a cute little shrug in Shiv’s direction. And Shiv smiled back, and kicked at her with her foot. Willa squeezed Shiv’s foot, making the gesture warm.

“What about you,” Rava said to Kendall. “What are you thankful for?”

“I’m thankful for us,” Kendall said, and had to clear his throat. “I’m grateful we’ve been able to put us back together. After…”

“Ew,” Roman said. “Whatever.”

“Gross,” Shiv agreed.

“Gotta have a better thanks, Ken,” Connor said.

“Wow,” Kendall said. “Even fucking Con. What happened to being a fucking…”

“UN white hat,” Roman completed for him.

Kendall pointed at him, and then at Connor. “Yeah, what the fuck.”

“Majority rules, Kenny,” Connor said, light and glib. It took a second for it to sink in that Connor was joking, and even then it barely felt real.

“Can we unpause the fucking movie now?” Roman asked. He had to give in and use his hands to get the carrots in his mouth. “Now that the fucking kumbaya section of the day is over?” he added.

Tom hit play obligingly, and then talked over it anyways.

Iverson was watching Roman closely throughout the whole conversation. Kendall had let him sit by Roman against his better judgement, and had resolved to keep an eye on them. “Did you know if you eat too many carrots the beta-carotenes will build up in your skin and make you orange?” he asked in the following lull.

“I did not,” Roman said. “Does anything else do that? Anything else I have to worry about?” It was casual, but Kendall perked up because he’d just caught Roman being actually nice to one of his kids.

“Sweet potatoes,” Iverson said.

“Anything gonna turn me green?”

“Silver poisoning turns you blue,” Sophie volunteered.

Roman raised his eyebrows. “Huh,” he said. “That’s a weird one.” He caught Kendall looking at them then, or glanced at him to check that he was looking. Roman didn’t say anything, though. He looked back at Iverson. “How many carrots is too many?”

“You probably couldn’t do it in a day,” Iverson informed him.

And Kendall knew what was coming from his brother. The _why the fuck did you bring it up then_ type of response. He was ready to read Roman the riot act for making his kids cry again.

“Okay,” Roman said. “I’ll keep an eye out.” And that was it. That’s what family could be for them now, too. A little safer.

Shiv called late Christmas Eve again. They hadn’t gone to Dad’s for Christmas, Kendall knew that, so it was really just pleasantries and assurances they’d see each other tomorrow. It was surprisingly low key. And then, like a half hour later, Roman called too.

“Everything okay?” Kendall asked when he picked up. He went downstairs, to pace around the dining room table as they talked.

“Yeah, relax,” Roman said.

There was still that pause with him too, that _How’s Dad?_ pause. “Have a good Christmas Eve?” Kendall said instead.

“Yeah, Con and Willa and me got blacked out. I won’t remember this phone call tomorrow morning.”

“Oh,” Kendall said with a frown.

“That’s a joke, by the way.”

“Okay. So what’d you really do?”

“Oh my god,” Roman said, and Kendall understood that to mean he didn’t get it. “Look,” Roman said then. “I can’t stop talking to him totally.”

“You can’t?” Kendall repeated, trying to catch up.

“Uh, no, asshole, because he doesn’t know where anything is and I don’t want him to fucking starve to death or something.”

“He doesn’t know where shit is in his own home?”

“No, he’s been having like, memory shit for years. He called Shiv Caroline at Thanksgiving last year. She didn’t tell you that?”

Kendall took a second to process that. “No,” he finally said. “Shit.”

“Yeah, so. I think she’s probably glad to get out of there. Who can fucking blame her.”

“Right,” Kendall said. “Yeah. Jesus.” Dad needed a caretaker, he wanted to say, but he decided that wasn’t his thing to suggest.

“So. I’m gonna keep talking to him. Even that disappoints you, or something.”

“What? No, I get that… you have to do what feels right. I’m not… judging, or.”

“Okay.” It sounded like Roman didn’t believe him.

“I’m serious.”

“Okay! Whatever. I don’t care.”

There was an awkward pause. Kendall wasn’t sure if he was supposed to acknowledge that it was an obvious lie or not. “Okay,” he said when he couldn’t think of anything better.

“You’re such a prick.”

“Oh, fuck off, dude.”

He heard Roman snort, so apparently that’s what he’d been looking for. A little friendly hostility, to level the field again. “You’re a different guy, y’know,” Roman said then.

“Different from what?”

“From like… whenever. Before.”

“From when I was on drugs?” Kendall said.

“Fuck you, you know what I mean.”

“I assure you, I do not.”

“From fucking… childhood, or whatever. From before. Not just the drug stuff.”

Kendall nodded, and leaned his head against the sliding glass door to look out at the drifts of snow. “That too, though,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop fucking apologizing for shit,” Roman said. “It’s like you’ve been bodysnatched.”

“Well, I mean it.”

“I don’t give a shit, cut it out.”

Kendall debated apologizing for apologizing too much, but he didn’t think Roman would appreciate it. “Okay.”

“I get it, that’s all I’m saying,” Roman eventually continued. “It wasn’t just… you’re a good guy. I get it.” It sounded sarcastic.

“Do you?”

“Yeah. I do. I’m serious.”

Fucking deja vu flashback to Shiv saying the same thing, a year ago. Kendall wondered if they’d have to clarify when they were being sincere for the rest of their lives. But maybe that’s what Roman meant, in a way, maybe that’s what he was getting at when he said Kendall was different. Maybe he was starting to get it, too.

“Look,” Kendall said. “We’re all different. People change.”

“Whatever,” Roman said. “Not that much.”

Okay. Now he was just saying shit to say it. Much more the brother Kendall knew, but still impossible to have a conversation with. “I’m hanging up, Rome,” he said. “Merry Christmas, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Wait.”

“What?”

There was a long pause. “Nothing. See ya.”

“I’m not disappointed,” Kendall said suddenly, when it occurred to him that Roman said it because he gave a shit what Kendall thought.

“What?”

“In you. I’m not disappointed in you, I’m really fucking proud. That you’re out of there.”

“Fuck you.”

“I mean it!”

“Yeah, sure, your fuck up little brother with his fucking hooker girlfriend, so impressive.”

Kendall frowned. “You’re still with Tabitha?”

“It’s complicated. I don’t want to get into it. Just shut up, okay, before I fucking puke.”

“Maybe you should cut back on the drinking.”

Roman copied him, said the sentence back to him in a mocking voice, and added, “Fuck you. That’s not what this is.”

“Well, what is this, then? Can we fucking get to it so I can go to sleep?”

“It’s…” The pause was long. Kendall actually checked that the call hadn’t dropped. Eventually Roman finished. “Nothing. Whatever. See you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Good night.”

Kendall checked that the front door was locked and went upstairs. Rava was in bed, her light off. “Everything okay?” she asked sleepily when he came in.

“Yeah,” Kendall answered. “Everything’s good.”


End file.
